afterlogs | i don't know, you don't know, nobody does

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i don't know, you don't know, nobody does

WHO: Haruhi Suzumiya, Homura Akemi, Himeko Inaba and you.
WHAT: Dark allies event open catch-all post for my characters.
WHEN: During the Dark Allies event (03/17-03/21)
WHERE: Everywhere
WARNINGS: Cursing, violence. Also Rebellion spoilers for Homura.

Haruhi

[ Haruhi's nice enough to help out anyone she sees, but only because seeing people getting swallowed up by shadows isn't a good thing. It hurts that she can't save everyone, but she's one person. She's no army, she's just Haruhi Suzumiya, ex-brigade chief and current student body president of the afterlife high school.

Which is why she'll also send out a message via text message to everyone, regardless if she knows you or not.

The text message reads the following:

Stay safe. If you can arm yourself, do it. If you can't, then find me. Reply ASAP if you wish to find me, since I'm not going to stay in one place for long.

Also: If you're planning to hide, feel free to use the student council room as a temporary headquarters, though it is not highly recommended.

If you have any questions, be quick. Time is of the essence.

And good luck.

Any shadow that shows up within Haruhi's range, however is going to be shot; the brunette's currently using a regular police handgun that she made several months ago using atomic restructuring for any shadow that isn't within her reach.

She's paying close attention to her surroundings - perhaps too close - but it's not as if she won't lend a hand for anyone who needs it. But fair warning: she'll be protecting herself over other people when it comes down to it. ]

Homura

[ Homura's been paying attention to everything that's going on, but it's not as if she cares all that much. The only thing that matters is Madoka's safety, and she's going to be the one that procures it, not matter what. She's keeping tabs on Madoka by using her minions to off several of the shadows before some of them get sucked in themselves.

It's okay; it's not as if they're human to begin with, after all. Even though they're a part of Homura, they're just a portion of her essence, so it's not that huge of a problem.

She'll even chase them all the way upstairs to what seems to be a dead-end before jumping off the roof, black wings appearing on her back as she transforms into her magical girl state, taking out several guns from her shield as she shoots several of the shadows down to the ground; she won't allow them to touch her or the one she cares the most.

Basically, Homura will be running around and offing any shadow that comes her way - and possibly anybody else who dares stand in her way. She's not only using guns, but also her magical purple bow and arrow.

Of course, she doesn't have to care about wasting magic; she's no longer a magical girl after all.. ]

Himeko

[ Admist all the chaos, there's one Himeko Inaba who seems to be hanging out with several of the other NPCs with a happy look in her eyes, laughing while eating with others during lunch, and that is quite a weird sight. When shadows do show up, there is a sign of shock in her eyes, but it's nothing compared to what fear feels like to her.

Basically, she's happy now.

There's no need for her to fear anything anymore most of the time, especially since the shadows are now ignoring her. She can be found still attending classes like nobody else and acting quite... demure.

It's kind of creepy, honestly. Though if she does see someone she knows, she might as well chat them up! She can be helpful, after all! ]

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[ Even if Homura tries to hold back, it's hard to not notice from this distance that the other girl is upset.

And the very thought of that makes all of Mami's and Sayaka's warning melt away like snow under the burning sun. Homura isn't the type who'd just destroy the world-- she tries so hard and she's so hurt, so.. what she needs is not people staying away from her, but people helping her.

Madoka helping her.

Homura's hands might be fists, but Madoka still reaches out for them until she's holding them with both of her hands. ]

It's alright. [ She doesn't know what exactly is hurting Homura, but as long as she's here, she'll make sure everything is alright for the other girl. ] It's really alright, Homura-chan.. It doesn't matter which one of us is stronger. There's no need to be upset, right..?

Eh..?

[ Her hands slowly unclench themselves as she lifts up her head to look directly at Madoka, sniffling her tears back into her eyes, not wanting anyone, especially her to see her weakness.

Homura's voice then softens, though it's clear that it's cracking, slowly returning to who she was before she became a magical girl. ]

How.. How can you be so sure that it's going to be alright? I...

[ She's questioning herself again. Homura doesn't know what to do and protecting Madoka is the only thing that she can do. Sayaka was right, back then. She relied too much on her magic, but for a good reason.

Without it, she would be nothing.

She would have died, back then.

That's why... all she could do was protect Madoka, even if everyone else hated her and despised her. ]

I could have done it! I told her that I would. After all the wraiths were gone, I would have destroyed the world, Madoka!

[ Her voice is strained as she says those words. It's almost as if she's trying to force them out, to keep Madoka away from her. Because that's exactly what she wants.

It would be better for her, anyway. She's "evil" now. She's the existence known as the devil, a magical girl who turned into a witch and then took that goddess known as Kaname Madoka and brought her back down to Earth for her own selfish needs.

Because she loved Madoka.

Nobody understood her. Nobody had to understand her.

These were her feelings, hers alone. ]

That's why... all I can do now is protect you. I want you to live in a world where you can be happy, Madoka..!

Edited (i can html) 2014-04-11 17:57 (UTC)

[ To be fair, it does make her a little sad, hearing those words from Homura-- "I would have destroyed the world." There's no way a girl like Madoka would ever want to see the world be destroyed like that, after all. But on the other hand, Homura seems so sad about it by now, and even though she says she would have, it's not like she did it.. there's a difference there, right?

From the way Homura talks to her now, so full of sorrow.. it's almost like there's more of a reluctance to those words, especially with that strain that accompanies her tone.

It isn't right. None of this is. Homura's happiness shouldn't be dependant on her own. She wants to see the other girl happy more than anything, but.. it shouldn't just have to be because of her. It isn't right. She isn't even important enough for that, so... ]

... Homura-chan..

[ For a moment sadness lingers in her gaze, but then she tries to smile softly again. No, she has to be the strong one this time. For Homura's sake as well. ]

We might have died, but.. that doesn't mean there isn't anything else left for you. Even if you wanted to destroy the world, you didn't do it. There's probably reasons for that, and.. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to believe in you.

[ Because they're friends. ]

A world where you can live happily and normally too along with everyone else without having to think of being a magical girl.. that would make me really, really happy too. As long as you're happy, and everyone else is happy.. then I'm happy too, you know? [ And that's the truth. It's not hard to make Madoka happy when she's so easily happy at other people's happiness, especially the people closest to her. ]

Really?

[ She's holding back in her tears as she speaks, the sound of her voice cracking as her hands slowly close into tightened fists. Homura hates herself, she hates herself so much.

"Even if you wanted to destroy the world, you didn't do it."

A part of her heart breaks at those words, and she can barely hold her feelings in. She doesn't remember destroying the world, but she doesn't remember not doing it, either. She doesn't know how she even died. ]

But, I...

[ She takes a wobbly step back, confused and uncertain about it all. The emotions written on her face are mixed, she doesn't know how she's supposed to feel. ]

I'm no longer a magical girl, Madoka! Because I'm--

[ And right then and there, she cracks, insanity in her expression as her transformation shifts, no longer remaining in her "magical girl" form, instead revealing the true Homura Akemi at its finest, her eyes now a sickening blood red instead of her natural violet, several of the Clara Dolls surrounding her as they speak, saying, "Gott ist tot!" while throwing tomatoes at her.

They don't seem to like her very much, even if they are her minions. ]

I've turned into the devil, you know...?

[ There was something wrong with Homura. Madoka knew that much, but she half dismissed it as it being something small, maybe something she couldn't understand but that didn't matter a whole lot.

One of the things Madoka didn't expect to see is this. Homura in a different outfit, with those things--

-- like a witch.

It takes her a moment to reach that conclusion, but then Madoka realises what it makes her think of. She thinks of Sayaka, of seeing her as a witch, of seeing her minions - it's just like that, except Homura is still looking mostly human.

Her heart pounds loudly in her chest, unsure of what exactly is going on, but the situation is so similar to that one time that she can't help but feel afraid. For her own sake, too, but mostly for Homura's. What happened to her, why would.. ]

.. Homura-chan..! W.. what are you saying..? [ Her voice shakes, her expression worried. ]

After you-- no, let me correct myself. After Kaname Madoka made her wish to erase all witches, I was left alone in the new world, being the only person to retain her memories of witches. In place of them, magical girls now had to fight wraiths. But then I messed up. I told Kyuubey that the 'Law of the Cycles' was a magical girl named 'Kaname Madoka'.

He then decided to isolate my soul gem out in the middle of scenic nowhere which allowed myself to become a witch from the inside. He described it as a chick hatching within the egg shell.

[ Of course, her familiars don't stop throwing those tomatoes (which they found in the kitchen!) at Homura, but she doesn't wince, she doesn't move, she simply ignores it all as they fall splat on the floor. ]

Of course, I created a labyrinth within my soul gem and took in some people into my world, which consisted of yourself, Miki Sayaka, Tomoe Mami, Kyouko Sakura, and others who you may or may not know.

I then found out the Incubator's plan: to control you, Madoka. I wasn't going to let that happen, so I simply decided that it would be best to kill myself. But my plan was thwarted and I woke up in the real world, ready to be set free.

[ A light, but slightly eerie laugh comes off the young girl's lips. ]

When I was in the new world, I was the only one who remembered Kaname Madoka. As days went by, I slowly began asking myself if she was real in the first place. But when I was free, I simply decided to snatch that power and bring you back to Earth with everyone else again, simple as that.

I gained more power because of how strong my feelings are. But I lost something in return. But that didn't matter to me, because all I wanted was a world where you could be happy and no longer alone.

[ That's a lot of information at once.

And that's still an understatement in itself.

Madoka isn't sure if she can even understand all of it, it's too much to take in all at once, but on the other hand, it's not something she can ignore either. Homura did a lot of things without consulting anyone, without asking anyone else what they wanted-- she just assumed what Madoka wanted and did that. And it's not like Madoka can even fully grasp the situation considering it's not exactly like she knows what would have happened to her after she made her wish.

Although, of course, she would still have sacrificed herself without second thoughts all the same even if she did know. ]

Why..? [ That's the prime question that arises in her mind as she hears all of it, and she clasps both of her hands together. ] Why did you do all of that, Homura-chan..? Why did you become like that? That's--.. t.. that's not what I'd want at all..!

You wouldn't understand, Madoka. Because it's only something that I feel.

[ She merely shakes her head in response, her hands tightening into clenched fists as her eyes lowered. She couldn't bear to look at her directly, not like this. ]

I can't do anything but protect you. If I didn't, the Incubators would have...

...

Mami-san and Sayaka-chan.. they already said I should stay away from you. [ Now she gets it. What they knew and what she didn't know. Sure, she might not be as quick to reject Homura as them, but still, hearing something like this.. ]

But.. I didn't understand why they said so all this time. I thought you were a good person, Homura-chan..

And I understand their sentiment.

[ Homura doesn’t care - or so she tells herself - if she ends up alone again. There’s only one goal she plans on achieving. She wipes the tomato off her face as she dismisses her minions away. Madoka’s a good girl, so she doesn’t need to be hurt. Even if they usually don’t listen to her words, this is one command that they know to do, understanding her strong feelings towards the girl. ]

But you’re wrong about me. Even though I wished to be kind at one point, that is now impossible. By doing what I did, I became an entity known as “evil”. I planned on making everyone my enemy in the end. And losing to who you would call the “good guys”.

Perhaps my thinking may be warped, but I do not care. There is only one thing that I wish for. I want you to be happy. Even if it means that I have to give up everything, even if it means that everyone will hate and avoid me. All that pain and suffering is valuable to me now.

If you wish to do the same, then you can go ahead. I won’t mind.

[ She’s trying to play it cool, even though she’s hurting on the inside. There’s too much pain that she’s holding in, but that pain is also her strength. It’s what fuels her powers, her abilities. She may not be able to stop time or rewind it - something that she wishes that she could do - but she’s still stronger than all the others here.

She’s the most useful to Madoka.

Right? ]

[ She's scared.

No, that's not the right word for it. She's not scared, per se, but she's.. worried? Upset? Nervous? What kind of word do you paste onto an emotion like this, anyway?

She doesn't know, but what Madoka does know is that an unpleasant feeling bubbles up in her stomach as she hears more and more words from Homura she really wishes she would never have to hear.

And after a moment it all spills out, the agony clearly audible in her voice. ]

T-.. that's wrong, Homura-chan..!

[ This isn't what she wants. Nothing about this is anything like what she ever wanted. ]

I don't want you to do all those things for me! I just want you and everyone else to be happy..! [ No matter what happens to herself. Maybe she's hypocritical in that sense, since it's the same thing as what she's scolding Homura for now, but-- ] You didn't have to do any of that..!

[ So.. please.

Stop it. ]

[ She can hear it in her voice, and as the words spill out of Madoka's lips, Homura knows that she can't take it anymore. She doesn't want to listen to any of this anymore, but she knows already that her decisions have been made and it's already too late for her to turn back.

The irony. ]

I wanted to protect your happiness from the very beginning.

[ Her voice is softer now, more even. Homura's calmed down a bit, but there's still something to her tone that's more than just a little upset.

All of these feelings are trying to come back onto the surface, but Homura keeps them down, bottled up inside of her. Madoka doesn't need to know yet.

It's not worth it. ]

My wish was to become someone who could protect you, rather than you protecting me. I made a mistake and told Kyubey the truth, and I wished to die in my labyrinth so he couldn't capture you. ...My happiness would have disappeared if that were to happen.

[ Even if Homura might become more calm, Madoka sure isn't. Sure, it's not like she's angry - because does this girl ever get angry to begin with? - but she's still very obviously upset and unable to contain her emotions. Her eyes start to water up at the thought of everything, of what happened with Homura and everyone else. ]

If you think you're protecting my happiness, then.. y-you're wrong! Like I said, I wouldn't have wanted any of this..!

[ She hates to deny Homura's efforts. Really.

But on the other hand, if she doesn't make it clear now, then Homura will just continue thinking this way and things might only get more and more wrong. ]

Didn't you tell me that if I value my friends and family, I shouldn't try changing the life I have or the person I am?

[ She still remembers that, that day in school when she saw Homura for the first time, when it all started-- ]

Then why are you doing that even though you told me not to..?! E-.. even though we're friends..

Because it’s my own fault that all of this happened to begin with. I should have stopped you from making that wish and making everyone forget about you. The only one who remembered was me.

As time passed, I slowly began to waver.

[ Her voice continues to be calm, but she soon begins to sound more tense, more frustrated. She’s not mad at Madoka, she could never be. It’s impossible for her to do even that, and she knows it all too well. Homura blames herself for anything - no, for everything that’s happened in regards to Kyubey and Puella Magi.

That’s why the burden has to be on her.

That’s why she has to be the one in pain. Everyone should hate her and leave her alone for all of eternity. ]

I asked myself… “Were my memories even real?” “Were they all just a mere delusion?” “Was the girl named Kaname Madoka just a figment of my imagination?” Things like that. Of course, I had to change myself for the sake of my friends and family… After all, I’m no good otherwise.

I would rather simply kill myself again until everything just disappears.

Edited (wtf html) 2014-04-30 02:45 (UTC)

[ It's not like Madoka realised what the aftereffects of her wish would be. Not exactly. It doesn't surprise her to know she was somehow erased from everyone's memories since she did decide to give everything up to help everyone, but it's still not something she saw coming for sure.

But even so, even though she can understand why Homura was upset.. this isn't the right way to go about it. It just can't be. ]

You've always been plenty good to me though! And-- I-I'm sure that everyone else would have understood too if they knew why you acted the way you did! I'm sure you could've had lots of friends, so.. don't do something like this for my sake.

[ She already normally wouldn't want it, hating to be selfish, but considering just what Homura did, it feels even worse. ]

It's not what I want, and it's not what everyone else wants either.. you'll just make everyone sad and hurt.

... It's impossible. Every time I tried to make someone believe me, it all ended in failure. So how could I tell anyone? Who would believe me-?! They would all think I'm crazy, after all.

[ She knows. Sayaka, Mami-- they both told her to stay away from Homura, after all. And with good reason, but Madoka is Madoka, so she still wants to try somehow. Not a single one of them should have to sacrifice themselves somehow, if they can all just be happy.. ]

.. Have you never tried asking me for help, Homura-chan? I can help them understand you, and you them..

[ Homura swallows nervously. She's not exactly certain if she can actually do this. Relying on Madoka again wasn't something that she wanted.

But... ]

Is it okay? For someone like me to ask for help...? I've become a monster, you know.

Of course it's okay..! [ Because Madoka knows that she's always just asked for help too, that everyone died because she wasn't strong enough to save them, because she didn't try to contract until it was already too late, and then-- ]

.. You don't want to be a monster, right..?

Even if I didn't, I've already become one.

Even if you did, you can change. Everyone can change..

[ Kyouko seemed scary and dangerous at first, after all, but in the end she gave her life to save Sayaka. Madoka knows better than to judge people at first sight now. ]

If you want to change, if you don't want to be a monster, then you can, Homura-chan! Just try being more kind to people..

But I can't...! I can't take back what I did.

.. I don't remember what you did. Neither did Mami-san, Sayaka-chan or Kyouko-chan.. none of us know what happens. [ And none of them will, considering they're all dead. The ones Homura did it too - they're a different Madoka, a different everyone else.

Not that it would make it any more forgivable, usually, but.. ]

So.. if you don't linger in the past, but if you're willing to look to the future instead and better yourself, then it should really be alright.

[ She smiles sadly. ]

We're dead, Homura-chan. We can't change anything about the things from back when we were alive, but we can try to do our best now.

I can try, but I'm not so certain they will be willing to forgive me for what I've done.

I'll tell them the same thing I told you, if you want me to be there to help you explain. [ Then again, it's not like Madoka realises that not everyone is as utterly forgiving as she is.. ]

If you acknowledge your mistakes and say you'll try better in the future, then they should trust you.. that's how people always move on and live, after all.

i don't know, you don't know, nobody does

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o o p s spoiler warning up in here

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