Just a little breakdown...

[tenminutes]

WHO: Accelerator, Kohaku, anyone else who wants to show up?
WHAT: After everything just keeps piling up, Yuri is finally at her breaking point.
WHEN: June 20th, ~7am.
WHERE: Various, due to the Boogie Wonderland event, but starting in the living room of House A.
WARNINGS: Violence against NPCs, psychological breakdown, lack of sleep, shadows, cursing, potentially violence against human-y people too, screaming, potentially crying.

[ Yuri had found her way back to one of the rooms in the safe zone. It wasn't even hers, it was just the living room space of their house. She knew it was theirs because that was the couch that Hinata had slept on, it had a stupid knick in the fabric from when she'd been playing with her knife and accidentally got it. A bullet hole in the back from one of the times that the residents of their house had gotten a little too rough and loud. (One of the many times.) Things in the room were arranged just as they'd left them before things got.. strange.

It'd been days since Yuri'd found any place in the safe zone, and she didn't even know if it still worked because of the glitch. She hadn't actually eaten in days after the first time something went wrong with drinking something on the first day. Yuri sat down on the couch, her knees up to her chest and her gun in front of her. She'd been injured from coming out above some of the trees before, there was crusted blood on her leg where her thigh highs were torn but the injury had healed a while ago. She'd wasted a good number of her bullets fighting an oversized cat that decided she was lunch on her way back to the school area. Then the shadows.. She only had a couple of bullets left, at least until she got the spare box from under the couch cushions.

Somehow she'd even managed to not be able to find anyone real these past few days. Nothing felt real anymore. As she settled in on the couch she let her eyes fall half-shut. She wanted to sleep, even if she couldn't be sure that this 'safe area' was still safe. It felt safe, because it used to be Hinata's, but.. A pang hit her heart again. Honestly, she'd lost a lot of people, but she'd never lost them after they'd found out that she had feelings for them. She hadn't said it out loud, but it was impossible not to know, and after that he'd disappeared..

She wasn't sure if it was her fault, and she was sure that Hinata wouldn't want her to blame herself, but.. if this kept going on, she was going to lose everyone. She didn't even know if she had anyone left. She hadn't seen any, she was probably already alone.

This wasn't her fault, this was his fault. The Programmer's. Everything wrong here was his fault right now, except why she was here. Maybe he had something to do with the people who disappeared in weird circumstances too.

If he was hiding amongst the NPCs, then..

Yuri couldn't remember why she wasn't supposed to kill them. They weren't human. The Programmer was even less human than the NPCs. The NPCs were just shadows with masks on, really. The Programmer was just a human wearing the same mask as an NPC so he didn't get found amongst his monsters. They weren't human. They didn't have emotions, they couldn't hurt like this!

Yuri suddenly started laughing, gripping her gun tighter. If she went out feeling like this, she had no doubt that even the NPCs that hadn't turned yet would start showing their true faces. Her laughter grew, her voice cracking a little. ]

The Programmer can't turn into a shadow!

[ He'll be the only one to drop if she manages to kill him. Then she can make him feel what it's like to lose everything until he fixes it. Yuri wasn't sure she'd stop hurting him then, not after everything, but there was one thing she knew for sure.

That pesky speck of guilt she'd always felt about thinking of the possibility of burying him alive was gone.

Yuri stood up, trying to stop herself from laughing again. She didn't know how close the others were. Maybe they weren't close at all, or maybe they were in their rooms and could hear her and just couldn't get to her. It didn't matter anymore.

Another deep breath and her face went blank. She'd choke the breath out of every last one of them until she found him if she had to. When she reached the door, her hand hesitated, hovering over the doorknob. She didn't know where it'd take her, but she couldn't do this anymore. She'd watch the world burn before that. ]

Comments

[violined]

[ While Yuri might be able to suppress her own emotion, if only for the time being, Kohaku's not blessed with such a gift. As she speaks, he grits his teeth heavily - he wants to fight her on this, he wants to tell her that there's no way in hell he'll disappear... but he can't.
It's the same kind of thing he might have said to Lucille in life. The wording would have been far more negative, but in essence it's the same. And what did he end up doing? He became another corpse, nothing but another body for Lucille to further justify his fucked up thought that he's cursed with making people around him die.
He doesn't think he'll ever be able to leave this place, but likely nobody else who told her they'd stay with her had. In their situation there is no way to reassure one another. Yuri wouldn't believe him - and he wouldn't believe her if it was the other way around. Words were meaningless compared to the disappearances they'd faced.
In the end, he will be alone. He can't tell Yuri she won't be, because he feels that way about himself. He's gotten attached to so many people here and that was the biggest mistake he ever could have made. They were truly lunatics, thinking that any sort of friendship after death could last.
And still, he can't press the off-switch and let Yuri go and pretend she does not matter. She does - and the terror he feels at the thought of losing her through any means is real and all-consuming. ]

And what about that is not stupid? What about jumping in a sea of potential shadows on your own expecting to find that villain is not entirely reckless? That's not a matter of how lonely this shithole gets or about how much you can take on your own... it's just an insane suicide mission by numbers alone.

[ It'll still be a suicide mission with two of them, but that's fine by him now. So... ]

So if I can't talk you out of this bullshit to begin with, this time I'm not letting you go down unless I go down first.

[tenminutes]

[ Yuri and Kohaku always had the type of friendship that occasionally involved throwing things at each other. But this was different. Somehow, as Yuri listened to him saying that she was being stupid and doing a suicide mission, it didn't matter up until the point that he said he was coming with. At that point Yuri couldn't seem to hold back, quickly moving to try to punch Kohaku. If he wanted to go down, she'd try to take him down here- the one place it might, might be safe enough that she wouldn't have to worry about him because the last thing she wanted to do was lose anyone else. Especially not because of her own stupidity.

Of course, being on the nerve of screaming and crying probably didn't make her the swiftest of fighters. ]

[violined]

[ Whoa whoa whoa. Despite all her odd behaviour, it somehow didn't register with Kohaku that she might try and attack him. He must be truly tired, letting his guard down like that. Even though he moves in response, trying to avoid damage, he gets hit by her fist anyway.
It aches, but it's not enough to knock him out or whatever she was intending. There is a second of stunned silence as he takes a step back, but then his response is immediate and it's a kick aimed at her.

He doesn't really think about why they're hurting each other when he acts. He's tired, he's worn out and even if it's the person who he trusts the most who attacks him, she's not getting special treatment. Both of them move horribly clumsy compared to their normal skill - his counterattack is a mockery of the force he normally kicks with. He's doing it for the action in itself, but even if it hit at full force, it wouldn't do much more damage than he'd taken from her.
They're powerless, absolutely powerless. If they run amok now, they'll surely be NPCs again. The very thing they swore would never happen to them again is steps away from happening - he can't let that happen. ]

[tenminutes]

[ Yuri takes the hit too, slamming into the door but holding onto the frame to make sure that she doesn't fall through. She can't let Kohaku go with her. Instead of attacking him again, she just ends up screaming at him, ignoring any pain from the kick or hitting the door as a result. ]

Just stay down if you're going to get involved, idiot! Why the hell do you follow me anyway!? I haven't been able to do anything but lose everyone! Why the hell would you follow me knowing that you probably won't make it!? If I'm the only one left every time no matter how hard I try to protect everyone, why!?

[ Despite that she played the part of a good leader, and usually did a fairly decent job, Yuri's confidence in her abilities as a leader have never been particularly high. She just rarely voiced it, because that wasn't what people needed to hear. They needed someone strong, someone who could protect them. That was the person Yuri wanted to be, so it was how she acted. And for a while, she even believed it too, but the further into this hole they got, the less she was able to cling to the idea that she was capable of doing this. The more people she lost, the more she questioned just why everyone kept following her. The more people she lost, the more she questioned why she kept trying to protect everyone if she was the one who always ended up being protected, like Kohaku was trying to do now. Why, when she was such a failure, did people keep jumping into the fray because of her? Why did people keep getting hurt protecting her? Why was she always, always the only one left standing when the help arrived and things were finally whatever screwed up version of "safe" they were supposed to be?

Why was it always the people she loved that ended up having to pay the price?

Yuri clutched the door, practically shaking as she tried to control herself, but it wasn't working. She was all too obviously barely holding on. ]

[violined]

[ Why the hell do you follow me? Well, that's a loaded question and he'll never be able to answer it for her fully accurately. He doesn't know for himself - Kohaku's never been an entirely self-reflected person. He's in denial about a lot of his feelings and he's lived well that way - why would he need to reflect when it only brings pain? ]

Idiot!! If I don't follow you, if I don't fight with you, and if I know you won't make it than what am I supposed to do?! I've only made it this far because you gave me a place to be!! You needed my guns and my music and that's why-- why I--

[ That's why I haven't run insane yet. That's why I haven't lost myself yet. He breaks off and storms forward again, grabbing her by the shoulders. ]

I don't want to disappear! I don't want to become an NPC! I don't want god knows what kind of shit is coming for us! But even less than that I want to watch any of that happen to you - I'm not going to get lost if I can't somehow help it, but there's no fucking point if I can't make sure you're not safe as well!!

[ It's selfish, it's super-selfish, how much he needs her to justify his own existence. He's loyal to Yuri, even devoted maybe, and he'd give most things for her without a second thought - but there is nothing selfless and nothing noble about it. As it is now, he needs her to exist. When he's on his own everything comes crashing down on him and he only panics and panics because there is just darkness and aimlessness.
Once before had he had people that made him feel like the SSS does - once before he's felt that maybe, at the side of those persons he could make a change and go somewhere. And what had he done? He died on them, leaving them, unable to make any change, unable to reach any destination. Stuck stuck and stuck.
Kohaku is a destructive person and maybe he's unable to protect anything permanently - and that's why they're here, at this stalemate. No matter who might end up losing whom, it would be their nightmare. Because they're both unable to protect what keeps them holding on. Someone who depends on you. Someone to depend on. Because from their earliest memories on, they watched what gave them security whither away in front of their eyes. ]

[tenminutes]

[ Yuri grabbed ahold of Kohaku's shirt as he told her off. The kind of shirt gripping that usually happened before you beat the crap out of someone, but she just held onto it even a few moments after he finished.

No matter what she wanted, no matter how many people she lost, there were still people that depended on her for more than just being able to accomplish something. Yuri knew that this was true- that the SSS wasn't just a group that existed as a means to an end. If they were she wouldn't care this much. She wouldn't know the name of every single member of the SSS, of Guild, of all of those countless others who'd crossed her path.

They were her family, honestly. That was why it hurt so much to lose them. But the reality was that even if people stuck together, there was always one person that got looked to in any family. And that person couldn't be weak, they had to always know what to do and if they didn't, they had to figure it out. They had to be there for everyone. Yuri had to be there for everyone, even if she couldn't protect them like she wanted to. Even if she couldn't stop herself from losing them.

Yuri didn't hit him again. She wanted to, but she knew at this point if she so much as lifted her head up or let go of his shirt she was going to start crying. And she was that person who had to be strong. Kohaku couldn't lose her, and she didn't know if not being as strong as he seemed to think she was would count for that. Her breathing was heavy as he held her shoulders, her eyes tightly shut. ]

Hinata promised that he'd protect me, and follow me, and that he wouldn't ever leave me alone.

[ It was too late, she was crying. She couldn't stop it. She knew that she shouldn't make this about Hinata, but in a lot of ways it was. Because he promised those things. He said the same things to her, that she gave people a place to be and that he wanted her safe. He threw himself in harms way to do it, and that was part of why Yuri was so scared now. Because the one person who she thought would never, ever break that promise was gone. She couldn't blame him when he wasn't here when she first arrived because he saw her disappear. As far as he knew, she was okay and safe and complete. But this time... ]

How the hell am I supposed to believe anyone that they won't disappear when I can't even believe the person I...

[ She still didn't want to say it. Because now it was real. It was just a theory before, that loving someone was impossible in this world, but now it was her reality. A surge of emotion hit her again, her face completely soaked by now. She knew it was selfish of her to load this onto Kohaku, but she couldn't stop herself from screaming. ]

How am I supposed to give anyone a place when I keep losing every place I have!?

[ She tried to be the support, but she needed someone to support her and the people she chose were gone, so she had no one to go to. No one that wasn't depending on her to be the one providing support. ]

[violined]

[ The instant tears start to fall, Kohaku's grip on her stops being tight and violent. His hands stay where they are, now limp, unsure. He doesn't know what to do when somebody is crying - someone who isn't a child is crying. Eles or his adoptive brother he could have pinched in the cheek, said a small word here and there, violently talked the problem down until it seems okay... He isn't good at that, he honestly is not, but it's some strategy.
But this is Yuri and these are not problems he can belittle in any way. Seeing her cry is strange and it causes a weird detached feeling to rise - he doesn't know how it came to this, how they came to be the kind of people they are now. There is a part of him that says that this can't be real, this can't be them, this can't be how things turned out to be. Why... why... why.... ]

..shit.... shit shit shit....

[ It isn't the most eloquent or supportive thing to say but that's all he can say and he wants to scream it and he wants to kick walls in and yell until he doesn't have a voice anymore - but he can't do that because Yuri is right in front of him and she's crying. She's the most vulnerable he's seen her since that time they were children and even back then he hadn't known a thing to say to ease her pain even if he felt a similar one. Now was the same except it was worth because this was them, the real them, in their real timeline and nothing, absolutely nothing would magically fix itself once the glitch was over.

The cause of Yuri's tears is not something he can remove by shouting at it - he'll just break things further than they are already broken. If he runs away from this now, he might lose whatever little he had left and that is more horrifying than Yuri's current state. He isn't sure if he can feel his legs, but even so, they're probably shaking from the explosion that's taking place inside him and the fear of the unknown situation.

Fear of the unknown. Fear to be alone.

Kohaku keeps standing still for way to long before he makes up his mind and wraps his arms around Yuri's shoulders. He remembers breaking down at home and he remembers how, oh pathetic it was, Lucille's arms around his shoulders had been the only reminders that there was a stable reality that wasn't filled by terror, that wouldn't turn to a nightmare in the very next moment. ]

I don't know... How do I know you don't disappear now... How do I know I don't disappear... I just don't fucking know... They all... All these bastards just ...

[ He keeps breaking off and it's really uncool but there is nothing he can say that wouldn't be way more lame, way weaker... He can't know how Yuri feels, but with each SSS disappearance he himself felt colder and colder and there was nothing they could do to change this. Nothing would bring the people they relied on back. The people they'd made promises with, Hinata, Sena... The people they needed as key players like Haruhi... ]

But if there's a chance of us all just vanishing next second, then there's also a damn chance of that not happening! Even if we're bloody doomed, at least not certainly..

[ It would be nicer if this was like risking your life ordinarily - where you had some sort of control over being and not being. But this was russian roulette and nothing could give them security. ]

[tenminutes]

[ The worst part of all of this was knowing that she couldn't wish the people they'd lost back. Because she knew what it was like to reach that point where you were alright to disappear. The moment when even if the past wasn't okay, you were, finally, at peace. She knew how lost you could feel without that, how alone, how pained. The one thing she'd always known about this place was that it was supposed to be a place for everyone to work through their issues and to get better, to find whatever it was they needed.

If they had reached that, somehow or the other while she wasn't watching, then how could she take that away from them? It was the worst part of losing the people she cared about, because fighting to try to get them back in any way would be like fighting to force them into misery with her, just so she wouldn't be alone. If they'd reached that spot and felt they could leave her behind, then Yuri couldn't say anything. But she wanted to, and she hated herself for it.

Kohaku's words settled in, but they weren't much comfort. There was no way to make this easier, to beautify what was happening to them. She knew that. She knew there was no way to fix anything besides trying to move forward and keep fighting, but sometimes it was hard not to want a promise that at least things wouldn't get worse than they already were.

Somehow that time when Yuri felt okay, like she could forgive herself, had slipped away. Even the basis for it, that she'd been able to protect everyone, was false because the whole thing had fallen apart. Her efforts had only made things worse for everyone here and it wasn't the first time things had played out that way.

The only real comfort that Kohaku's words offered was the point that Yuri was sure he was trying to get across. Despite everything, despite who he was and his normal attitude, he was embracing her. Comforting her, essentially telling her that even if she feels alone and if she might be alone later, she's not alone right now. There's still someone she cares about there with her and that's worth holding onto because there's a chance. A small chance. And even if it's the tiniest chance, it wasn't time to give up and try to run off on her own and blow it because she wanted to feel around in the dark for that little speck of hope.

Yuri didn't push Kohaku away, not saying anything. Her throat had tightened up and she was just crying quietly until finally it seemed to stop. It wasn't as though he'd just miraculously cured her, but at least for now.. at least for now there was someone there for her.

Her face buried in his shirt, after what seemed like a long while she muttered something to him, muffled entirely by the fabric but it sounded like a quiet 'sorry.' ]