afterlogs | Just a little breakdown...

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Just a little breakdown...

WHO: Accelerator, Kohaku, anyone else who wants to show up?
WHAT: After everything just keeps piling up, Yuri is finally at her breaking point.
WHEN: June 20th, ~7am.
WHERE: Various, due to the Boogie Wonderland event, but starting in the living room of House A.
WARNINGS: Violence against NPCs, psychological breakdown, lack of sleep, shadows, cursing, potentially violence against human-y people too, screaming, potentially crying.

[ Yuri had found her way back to one of the rooms in the safe zone. It wasn't even hers, it was just the living room space of their house. She knew it was theirs because that was the couch that Hinata had slept on, it had a stupid knick in the fabric from when she'd been playing with her knife and accidentally got it. A bullet hole in the back from one of the times that the residents of their house had gotten a little too rough and loud. (One of the many times.) Things in the room were arranged just as they'd left them before things got.. strange.

It'd been days since Yuri'd found any place in the safe zone, and she didn't even know if it still worked because of the glitch. She hadn't actually eaten in days after the first time something went wrong with drinking something on the first day. Yuri sat down on the couch, her knees up to her chest and her gun in front of her. She'd been injured from coming out above some of the trees before, there was crusted blood on her leg where her thigh highs were torn but the injury had healed a while ago. She'd wasted a good number of her bullets fighting an oversized cat that decided she was lunch on her way back to the school area. Then the shadows.. She only had a couple of bullets left, at least until she got the spare box from under the couch cushions.

Somehow she'd even managed to not be able to find anyone real these past few days. Nothing felt real anymore. As she settled in on the couch she let her eyes fall half-shut. She wanted to sleep, even if she couldn't be sure that this 'safe area' was still safe. It felt safe, because it used to be Hinata's, but.. A pang hit her heart again. Honestly, she'd lost a lot of people, but she'd never lost them after they'd found out that she had feelings for them. She hadn't said it out loud, but it was impossible not to know, and after that he'd disappeared..

She wasn't sure if it was her fault, and she was sure that Hinata wouldn't want her to blame herself, but.. if this kept going on, she was going to lose everyone. She didn't even know if she had anyone left. She hadn't seen any, she was probably already alone.

This wasn't her fault, this was his fault. The Programmer's. Everything wrong here was his fault right now, except why she was here. Maybe he had something to do with the people who disappeared in weird circumstances too.

If he was hiding amongst the NPCs, then..

Yuri couldn't remember why she wasn't supposed to kill them. They weren't human. The Programmer was even less human than the NPCs. The NPCs were just shadows with masks on, really. The Programmer was just a human wearing the same mask as an NPC so he didn't get found amongst his monsters. They weren't human. They didn't have emotions, they couldn't hurt like this!

Yuri suddenly started laughing, gripping her gun tighter. If she went out feeling like this, she had no doubt that even the NPCs that hadn't turned yet would start showing their true faces. Her laughter grew, her voice cracking a little. ]

The Programmer can't turn into a shadow!

[ He'll be the only one to drop if she manages to kill him. Then she can make him feel what it's like to lose everything until he fixes it. Yuri wasn't sure she'd stop hurting him then, not after everything, but there was one thing she knew for sure.

That pesky speck of guilt she'd always felt about thinking of the possibility of burying him alive was gone.

Yuri stood up, trying to stop herself from laughing again. She didn't know how close the others were. Maybe they weren't close at all, or maybe they were in their rooms and could hear her and just couldn't get to her. It didn't matter anymore.

Another deep breath and her face went blank. She'd choke the breath out of every last one of them until she found him if she had to. When she reached the door, her hand hesitated, hovering over the doorknob. She didn't know where it'd take her, but she couldn't do this anymore. She'd watch the world burn before that. ]

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[ Yuri's eyes fall to her shoulder as he squeezes it. How bad off she must be right now if Accelerator is sitting here comforting her. She didn't realize how horrible it must look from the outside, since she's so used to just covering it up.

She doesn't say anything for a while, quietly listening to his words and waiting to see if she can think of anything to say to that. Accelerator having done similar things.. Is that why he was so adamant about pushing people away? Because things like this happened? Yuri had wanted to assume that it was something kind like that from the beginning that inspired his actions, but it wasn't as though she'd really had solid proof until now beyond a faith that most people here could be reached one way or the other if someone was willing to put their hand out before it was too late.

Yuri turned her eyes to him after those moments of silence from her. ]

I won't make them. I'll stay here. I think I'm just tired.. Thanks.

[As silence followed his admission, Accelerator found himself becoming wrapped up in thoughts of the past. Years of isolation that he and others had convinced himself was necessary, because he was a monster who could do nothing but destroy and letting anyone get close would only inevitably create conflict and tragedies. He had to be alone, he had to give no one any reason to want to come close. And then when that had failed to stop them or the conflict, he'd taken it one step further. If words of warning had failed, if ignoring them had failed, if his power could only cause conflict, then he had to become so powerful and dangerous and sadistic that no one would ever dare to step close. That line of thinking had made him destroy everyone who so much as touched him, letting those sacrifices serve as a warning. That line of thinking had also been what tempted him when scientists first approached him regarding the level six shift project. They assured that the clones weren't real people but merely living dolls made of proteins and with no real will of their own. And it'd been easy to believe after what happened during his fight with the first one. But because he had allowed himself to believe their sacrifices were worth making if it made him so strong that no one else would ever try to fight him again... because of that, he'd become a greater monster.

The sins he'd committed were in a completely different league, but he still can't stomach seeing someone who even remotely belongs in the world of light go and try to follow down such a bloody and self-destructive path like his. Yuri was far from perfect. It seemed like she'd been here far too long and this place had taken its toll on her. No wonder she was starting to crack. Still, to him she was a shining example of what humanity's goodness was capable of.

At some point while lost in his thoughts, he'd let his arms go slack, so the one around her shoulder sort of fell back limply and the other hand released its grip on her. And then Yuri's words disrupt that lostness, and he glances toward her, expression just on the edge between neutral and scowl.]

Wearing us out mentally is sure to be one of that bastard's aims.

[Topic change because haha that's enough sentimental crap for the time being.]

[ Yuri ended up leaning back against the couch and staring at the ceiling once Accelerator let her go. She was seriously tired, a lot more than she'd even realized now. As Accelerator spoke, she almost didn't hear it. The words had to go through her mind a few times before she really heard them. ]

He's a little too good at it for someone who was an NPC for so long.

[ She sighs and closes her eyes. ]

Even if I'm stuck here forever, I never want to become like him.

He was probably already a little fucked up before he did that to himself. [A small pause before he responds to the other thing she said:] I'll kick your ass into gear if it looks like you're headed that way.

[Barring oddities like his unexplained 'disappearance' the other year, Accelerator fully expects to be stuck here for a very long time. Nothing in this place could ever satisfy him. Not when the only thing that keeps him from accepting his fate is the fact that the entire Misaka Network's fate still resides in the hands of the bastard who runs Academy City. Aleister had already tried to get rid of Last Order and replace all the original clones with newer ones, something Accelerator has thwarted for the time being.

Until he can confirm that no one will continue to use the clones as human chess pieces and the clones are free to live their own lives, he won't give up. Seeing their original here had only pissed him off; that meant one less person of actual strength who could fight for the clones in his place. If Kamijou Touma found his way here, Accelerator thought he might crack. (Doubly so if Last Order did. As much as he missed her, he knew he'd break down like a crazy thing.)]

If Hinata hadn't come along I might have been just as bad. Back then, even he almost gave up on me.

[ She had let herself be alone before then. She'd forced it upon herself. Punishment, repentance, trying to protect herself from losing anyone else.. it was all of those things. Yuri hadn't wanted anyone to fill that void because it would mean her siblings really were gone. ]

If it weren't for him, the SSS wouldn't exist. I never would've figured out how to lead people or how to control my emotions well enough to take care of others. I never would've had that chance to be "Yurippe" or find peace. Though I think I've lost it by now.

[Accelerator's quiet while she rambles on about herself. Paying attention to what others thought and giving a single damn about their life story is an ultra-rare occurrence for him. He's conditioned himself against such practices, which were largely detrimental to his continual rejection of others. He's always been so ruthless, and yet hearing Yuri go on about things that felt very familiar to some of his own experiences is something he can't help but not bother trying to ignore right now. Last Order had been his beacon of hope, and the person to show him another way out from the downward spiral of broken bodies and blood he'd always surrounded himself with. He'd be a much different person had he never decided to save her and the clones in spite of his horrible, self-loathing view of himself at the time. His view that he wasn't redeemable... she'd challenged that and given him hope, and shown him love and affection and forgiveness while in full knowledge of his sins against the 10031 Misaka clones he had murdered and whose memories she had access to. And while his path from that point had been rocky and still bloody at times, he had still progressed a lot because he had her and several others to protect. He had a goal he was willing to put himself through hell and agony to achieve, if it meant they'd stay safe.

He's quiet, then shifts the arm behind her to poke sharply at the back of Yuri's head with a couple fingers.]

There's only one thing I can tell you: don't let that dumbass's hard work go to waste by giving up now.

[he turns his gaze away from Yuri to try and hide some of his expression, as what he's about to reveal is a little embarrassing to admit aloud in front of someone else.]

A horrible little brat who looks an awful lot like the Number Three is the reason I'm the person you met by that tree stump. She knew what I did to her sisters, yet she decided I was worth saving. She saw through me the same way you did.

[He had deliberately told Yuri about having mass murdered over 10,000 people in order to make himself look like an unredeemable bastard. Just like Last Order in the restaurant he took her to, Yuri had believed he hadn't done it voluntarily.]

For me to give up would be the same as pissing all over her good will and efforts. That's why I can't, ever.

[ Yuri stayed quiet, listening to Accelerator's words. She was glad that she'd decided to stick by him. Someone to decide you're worth saving.. That's what Hinata was to her, and Accelerator understood. He knew, somehow. Yuri tilted her head back, putting an arm over her eyes. She wasn't going to cry, but it felt like it for a moment. For a brief moment she felt like she wasn't alone and that was horrible. Because for her to not be alone, to not be the only one who understands what kind of situation she is in isn't something that she would wish on anyone else. ]

The first thing he ever told me off for was this same stupid situation, but I was just in a normal state of mind that time. I said we should just kill every single one of the NPCs, because they weren't real anyway. He told me I couldn't because it would just be a mass homicide.

So.. you're right. I won't let it go to waste. I still want to end that bastard but..

[ Yuri took a deep breath, her arm wiping over her eyes briefly. ]

I'm glad that "horrible little brat" was there for you, Accelerator. I'm glad that she hasn't ended up here too.

She'd damn well better not.

[There's a threatening edge to his words as he mutters that out. As one would expect, that's the last he speaks of it. He's already revealed more about her and himself than he usually prefers, especially when it comes to painting himself in a remotely positive light.]

Now... it's time to start planning.

[There's only so much they can discuss and brainstorm, but having things laid out more clearly so they could see the direction to take was better than stumbling through these glitched rooms aimlessly and without any plans.]

[ Yuri already feels like she learned something new about Accelerator, but she understands what kind of person he is well enough to not comment on the idea that he clearly cares about her. ]

No it's not.

[ Yuri shakes her head as though to confirm that she knows she's not in a state to make decisions right now. ]

I'm tired and angry, any plan I'd come up with would be a hundred times stupider than normal right now.

[He turns to look at her at that. Not entirely unexpected, and he had already said something about "waiting till you're in the right headspace for brainstorming" and how "when humans are cornered, their thinking becomes simplistic and predictable." He lets out an annoyed sigh.]

When'd you last sleep and for how long?

[He's tired as well, he's just used to working on the spot and with short time limits, where you couldn't take time to rest. Not everyone can do that.]

The last time I've slept well has been weeks. The last time I slept for more than 20 minutes was when this stupid glitch started.

[ Yuri was used to not sleeping well, but not sleeping at all for more than a day was something she'd never done before. Now that she was sitting down and not about to break down right away, she honestly felt a little dizzy. ]

Sleep, then. I'll wake you if something happens.

[ Having someone look out for her while she's asleep is something new. Usually if the situation wasn't safe, she wanted to be the one to do the protecting. It was something that she always felt that she had to do, but this time.. she knew she'd be totally useless. ]

I'll do the same for you once I'm done, got it?

Fine, whatever. Just sleep already.

[Fuck, this feels sappy.]

[ She's staring at the couch like she's trying to figure out if she should sleep on the couch with Accelerator there or if she should kick him off.

Mostly she just looks sleepy and grumpy. ]

[Accelerator will move if she tells him to, but only if she does. Until then he'll stay flopped in his corner of the couch, arms now fully draped along the back and armrest.]

Just so we're clear, am I supposed to be falling asleep against you or something?

[ Mr. Taking up the whole couch with your arms. She's not even sure if she cares though, she's too tired to argue if he doesn't move. ]

[Scowling, he reaches over to flick her on the forehead. Or at least try. His Redirection is inactive, so she'll be able to swat it away easily.]

I don't care what you do as long as you're not clinging to me like a little kid.

[ She tries to duck and ends up just leaning against the couch. He still got her ear, which makes her mutter a very lame 'ow' at him. ]

I'm not going to cling, stupid.

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer, stupid.

You're the one who's got your long arms all over everything. [ She's still laying down halfway, leaning against the arm of the couch instead of Accelerator. ]

Hmph.

[makes a small noise, lifts up the arm that's draped along the back and plops it into his lap.]

There. Happy?

I don't think I actually care right now.

[ Now that she's already laying down part of the way, she can't seem to keep her eyes open. ]

Tch.

[glances over at her, watching for a moment or so before flitting his gaze aside. time to keep an eye on the room and keep himself at least somewhat alert.]

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Just a little breakdown...

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